navigating toxic interactions

kindred spirits,

hello again from the zendō. how is everyone out there holding up? I hope this bulletin bodes everyone well. and if you aren’t feeling well, well — that’s ok, too :) my headspace has felt relatively cluttered lately but I’m still grateful to be here and I feel fortunate for the opportunity to share my experience with you, whether it’s pleasant or not.

the past few weeks have been difficult for me; I’ve struggled to maintain emotional stability, feeling as though I’ve been treading on a rocky and unpredictable terrain. while there have been various factors contributing to my recent stress, one source of exasperation stands out as particularly impactful — that is, the malice another individual has inflicted upon me.

we’ve all experienced this dynamic with someone before… feeling overwhelmed, we strive to stay afloat amidst life’s challenges, doing our best to avoid being dragged down by the circumstances. yet, as we gaze upon the daunting obstacles before us, peering out from the cliff of our frustrations, it becomes apparent that there is someone in our orbit who seems determined to push us over the edge.

this person could be anyone; perhaps it is your boss making unreasonable demands with a less than helpful attitude. or maybe it’s a narcissistic ex-spouse with whom you co-parent. or maybe it’s a family member who simply enjoys annoying and disrespecting you for fun. however the context manifests, we’ve all “been there, done that,” with someone that is best described as toxic.

how do you typically deal with people like this? I initially adopted a rather gentle approach to my situation, hoping this would be an appropriate channel through which to avoid further drama. when this did not work, I indulged in a more assertive style of communicating with them, which regrettably amplified their hostility towards me. eventually, this provocation led me to act out in ways that were contaminated by my sense of self.

the process of establishing boundaries with individuals who consistently engage in ways that are toxic can be demoralizing. as the toxic person continually torments us, it gets harder and harder to resist temptations of the ego; the exposure to their negativity and dysfunction tests our patience, nagging us to respond in ways that perpetuate a toxic cycle. we might lash out and express ideas that are spiteful. alternatively, we might completely avoid the subject of our boundaries altogether, neglecting ourselves as a means to establish harmony in the short term.

albeit it’s worthwhile to lend ourselves a bit of grace as we manage to pick up the pieces from these interactions, it’s important to evaluate how we can be more mindful by rising above a toxic person’s antagonism with true compassion. but this is no easy feat; this sort of self preservation requires a lot of awareness and understanding, particularly of what true compassion looks and feels like. 

so, then — what is true compassion?

true compassion must be cultivated through wisdom; albeit it is not compassionate to retaliate against those that have caused us harm, it is also never wise of us to allow someone to abuse us. we must walk a fine line, one that distinguishes between mere niceness and genuine kindness, one that holds the other accountable without foregoing empathy. we must defend ourselves through love for ourselves rather than through disdain for the other. we must avoid enabling the toxic person without attacking them.

when searching for the social tools required of us to accomplish this, consider the following guide as a valuable resource:

don’t be an idiot

this bullet point might surprise some of you for its bluntness, but — believe it or not — this is essential to consider. in Buddhism, there is a concept famously coined, “idiot compassion,” by Tibetan Buddhist Chögyam Trungpa. Trungpa described idiot compassion as a misguided and unskilled form of niceness that arises from a place of ignorance and attachment. 

idiot compassion is often a form of enabling bad behavior, stemming from a fear of confrontation or discomfort. it is when we attempt to stifle toxicity with acquiescence.

it is never mindful of us to act in this way. true compassion is not always accommodating or comfortable; although we must always try to appreciate the interconnectedness and shared suffering of all beings, this does not mean neglecting ourselves or enabling those that have caused us harm. true compassion is rooted in discernment, which presents us with the opportunity to express or do what might be necessary for our preservation while holding the toxic person accountable, giving them an opportunity to learn something that could change their perspective for the better.

express the bare minimum

when dealing with messy people, expressing the bare minimum allows us to cut to the chase and protect our energy. by keeping communication concise and focused, we minimize the chances of getting entangled in a web of manipulations. in equal measure, we can better avoid that which causes us to stoop to someone else’s level and act in ways that are not truly compassionate.

take care of yourself

I’m sure by now some of you  have grown bored with seeing me list self-care as a vital practice, but it really is foundational in whatever we pursue, especially when trying to cultivate true compassion for a person who is content or even satisfied with overwhelming us. engaging in routine self-care recharges and maintains our emotional reserves. moreover, the prioritization of ourselves gives us a greater sense of clarity about what we deserve; we must be compassionate towards ourselves to project this out into the world.

create distance or walk away

as an extension of self-care, creating healthy distance between ourselves and a toxic person helps us keep perspective when setting boundaries with them, giving us a safe space to reflect and heal. even still, we must also understand that there are situations where this is not enough; sometimes, we must walk away from the relationship altogether. recognize your limits and respect them accordingly; if all else has failed, perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do is move forward by leaving this person behind. 

indeed, we have the ability to cultivate genuine compassion through wisdom by behaving with more intention. we do not have to succumb to avoidance or reaction. additionally, we can discover strength by taking this approach, nurturing the tendencies that foster a greater sense of equanimity. we can learn to keep our cool and thusly feel more at peace regardless of external influencers.

if any of this seems impossible to conceptualize right now, rest assured that I am currently navigating this delicate balance myself; you are not alone. so, dust yourself off and give yourself a break. I know it’s a long hike back home sometimes, particularly when we’ve found ourselves in the valley that rests below our better sensibilities, but we can make it out of this crevice, together :) 

I extend my heart in the direction of your success as you apply these practical spiritual strategies to the hardship before you. and, as always, thank you for reading mind is matter ♥︎

2024 January 31